Fruitcake MIDI Forum Treasury

Tommy · Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 5:17 pm Post subject: Short Stories

Some people don't like stories. But to them I say:

"Swim in the ocean
That be my dish
I drive around all day
And kill processed fish
It's all money gum
No artists anymore
You're only in it now
To make more, more, more

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day"

This is a topic about short stories. So do something creative whether it's a small part of an epic tale, the literature version of "Expressions Of My Teenage Angst" or a story using pictures. Plus you can give reviews for the previous persons tale.

Anyway me to start so here it is:

The story behind the picture

“Today’s the day!” shouted Poopsoda, wetting himself and the immediate vicinity. He rushed outside whilst a butler cleaned up the mess. “Today’s the day of the FCMidi picnic!” Poopsoda bellowed into an orphan’s face before jumping into his personal helicopter. He roamed the skies for a few short hours before bumping into Cheese Monkey and his own chopper. “Let’s have battles!” yelled the irrepressible Poop. “It will be like totally awesome (like that time we snuck into the mall on labour day when it was closed) POW POW!” were the last words Cheese Monkey heard before being destroyed by a heat seeking missile.
Meanwhile on the ground Kroc laughed as flaming piles of metal fell around him. The Good Doctor brought out a large picnic hamper with a cry of “I hope everyone is hungry!”
“Do you have FRUITCAKE?” screamed Tommy, a comment that was met with rapturous applause and laughter. Although his knowledge of American culture was patchy at best, Tommy was pleased to have found somewhere he was hailed as a comic genius.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a crisp!” called out The Worminator.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a packet of crisps!” answered Izzhov. A shocked gasp went up from the crowd as they watched him perform this amazing feat and then die of kidney failure. Suddenly a squeaky noise was heard from the horizon. Why, it was Upsilon on his Penny Farthing.
“Hello” he said wittily. “I’ve brought the entertainment.” A subtle smile played across his mush. He took off his enormous top hat and out leapt Sam, Tiddlycrift and Lynkstar who immediately began bickering. Then for no reason everyone jumped into the air to perform a high five and shouted “THIS IS THE GREATEST SUMMER VACATION EVER!” in unison, at once and all at the same time.
Then Tinytim realised Upsi had a bigger top hat than him and he left in shame.

Aubergine-Head · is your father (NOOOOO) Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 361

Hahaha!

That was great.

Write another Tommy. Write Another NOW!
_________________

Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

Tommy · Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 5:31 pm Post subject:

Actually I think it would improve the thread if people sometimes requested a topic they wanted to see a story on. Personally I'd love a horror story set mainly on a ferris wheel.
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Young men, you're getting detention for being without shorts
I know who's actually to blame, but we need those guys for sports.

Aubergine-Head · is your father (NOOOOO) Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 361

I've done a story, but not on a Ferris Wheel. Sorry.

_________________

Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

Poopsoda16 · Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 9:57 pm Post subject:

One time there was a big whale that picked on all the small whales, and the small whales wanted to get back at the big whale, yet he was too big. The small whales found a hungry shark and the shark ate the big whale in half, but the blood of the big whale got on the small whales so they got eaten by other sharks too. There we no more whales in the area anymore, only the sharks. So one day, a turtle was looking for food when it turned into a giant raccoon and went sunbathing, all the sharks tried to eat it but it was to giant for the big sharks. The raccoon was then shot down by the gigantic Optumis Prime, then the other giant raccoons tried to kill gigantic Optumis Prime, but he was too gigantic. Then suddenly Jupiter was crashing into Earth, which was gargantuan. Gigantic Optumis Prime tried to defend Earth but Jupiter was too gargantuan. Then the sun exploded and everyone died a horribly painful death. The only one said to live was Chuck Norris.
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A recent study shows that 92% of all teenagers have moved on to rap music. Put this in your sig if you are one of the 8% who stayed with real music.

Damian · Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 12:29 am Post subject:

Here is something I made like three years ago or thereabouts. A few of the jokes were originally Xenofan's from a much more hilarious story that he wrote more than three years ago.

It was a dark and stormy evening. (Readers should note that it could not be called night, as the time was 4:59, and it has to be at least 5:00 to be called night in a literary work.) Well, actually, it wasn't dark and stormy at all; it was bright and sunny. In a large, three-story house, Ben was upstairs. Ben's hair was somewhat brownish-bluish-greyish-greenish-reddish-blackish, and he was rather short. It all began when someone left the window open. Ben was staring out at the mountains when Damian pushed him out the window! Meanwhile, a hidden shadow moved in the same room, and just after, a bird magically flew off of the wallpaper.
Somehow, Ben survived the fall-- like magic, except his leg was broken. Then, the same shadow raised its arm; then magically, Ben's leg was healed. Then he saw the bird in the air. It swooped down and rapped Ben on the head.
Ben shouted, "What the heck?!"
The bird then said, "Sorry. Your hair looked like a good nest."
"How did you talk?!" Ben yelled at the large, white dove-like bird.
"...I don't know," answered the bird. "It's like... magic!"
"...Well, let's go back to the house," said Ben. So, they went to the house. It was locked! "Darn," Ben muttered. "It's locked."
"Duh, stupid," the bird answered crossly. "I guess we have to survive in the wilderness now. By the way, my name is Squid."
"Okay, stupid," Ben answered. "I guess we have to live in the woods now, don't you think?"
The bird sighed with impatience. "If you ever listened to me..."
So they explored the surrounding forest. Ben tripped many times along the way. Once, he even got stung by a pack of yellow jackets. The bird just laughed. "Ha ha ha!"
"I guess we need a fire for the night," Ben said with a mischievous glint in his eye. The bird hesitated, but he went along with Ben's ideas. Little did he know it would cost him his life!
As they started their fire (it actually took Ben about a hundred tries), Ben looked at the bird hungrily. "You know, I'm kind of hungry. Sorta in the mood... for bird..."
The bird glanced around fervently. "Er... You mean me?"
"Duh, stupid. Any last words?" Ben grabbed poor Squid by the leg so he wouldn't fly off.
"Yes, of course! Your hunger has corrupted your once possibly sane mind, drawing out evil and consuming your brain with it, extending out into your consciousness and taking over your entire mind, poisoning it so that no sane thought can come into contact with that part of your brain which gives commands mentally, thus making you do things irrationally, and stopping you from doing good, only thinking and doing evil!"
Ben just blinked stupidly. Then, giving an evil grin, he said, "I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I didn't catch a word of it." His voice had turned dark and sinister.
Squid the bird rolled his eyes at the boy and said, "Your hunger has corrupted your once possibly sane mind, drawing out evil and consuming your brain with it, extending out into your consciousness and taking over your entire mind, poisoning it so that no sane thought can come into contact with that part of your brain which gives commands mentally, thus making you do things irrationally, and stopping you from doing good, only thinking and doing evil!"
"Oh, okay," said Ben calmly... and he speared the bird. After he cooked him and ate him, Ben realized he had to relieve himself. So, he walked into a bunch of large bushes, as if he were a dog.
While he was gone, Ben's fire picked up and spread to the trees. When Ben returned, a large bear was there, carrying a hose. "Rarr!" it said.
"Ah, don't eat me!" shouted Ben.
The bear looked thoughtful a moment and then yelled at Ben, "Your hunger has corrupted your once possibly sane mind, drawing out evil and consuming your brain with it, extending out into your consciousness and taking over your entire mind, poisoning it so that no sane thought can come into contact with that part of your brain which gives commands mentally, thus making you do things irrationally, and stopping you from doing good, only thinking and doing evil!"
Ben then realized that he was still very hungry. But he never got to eat anything else, because the talking bear shouted, "Only I can prevent forest fires, you dork! I am... SMOKEY!!!" And then, he ate Ben... Painfully. Slowly. Brutally. Hurtingly.
Back at the house, the shadow appeared and materialized. Damian said to it in a very obvious British accent, "That was bloody brilliant!"
The figure, which you are now assuming is Harry Potter, turned into nobody but... (and here if this were a movie, you would insert ominous music and suspenseful camera angles here) Harry Potter! And he said, "Indeed. We won't worry about Ben anymore. But it is a good thing we got rid of that bird. It was possessed by Lord Voldemort."
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Tommy · Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 10:50 am Post subject: A Beaderman Story

Review

Damian's back on form with the sensual explosion that is his new literate piece. His focus on epic loneliness and survival cements his cautionary tale with rustic feel and just a tinge of Dickens, post-britpop era. Reading like a flawlessly sequenced and paced medical advice booklet, this short story officially reminds us why Damian is one of the year's most rewarding and welcomed authors.

Time for some more asshole fiction I think.

A Beaderman Story

Mr Augustus Beaderman was most one the top science teachers at his school, and this year he had one of the brightest classes. “All ready for the exam tomorrow?” he called cheerfully. His pupils smiled and nodded eagerly as they filed out the classroom. Beaderman chuckled to himself and turned to lock up the room. Then he spotted a single child still in the room. It was Alex, hunched over his desk. Beaderman sidled up to him (like a crab). “Anything wrong?” he asked.
“Gee, I dunno Beaderman.” Alex replied. “It just seems to me all this science stuff is waaay complicated. I haven’t even prepared for the exam and if I fail, well, that would be sooo uncool.” Beaderman watched sadly as Alex trudged out of his room and across the field.

***

It was 7PM and Alex was playing Mario Planets Game on his Gamebox. His brain was confused as it was receiving mixed messages from both the instant gratification of the video-games machine and the sad feeling Alex got when he remembered that he had ruined all hope of a future career by not revising. He turned his face from the colourful box of joy and saw something odd. A strange man carried through the air by seagulls. He was getting closer to the house. Could it be…? It was! It was Mr Beaderman! “Golly gee whiz Beaderman!” shouted Alex. “What are you doing here?”
“I’ve come to save the day!” Winked Beaderman, loudly. “And I’ve brought some test papers with me.” He unpacked some papers from his bag and got straight down to business. “Now these are about electric current.”
“Oh yeah, I find that totally hard.” Replied Alex.
“I thought you might,” said Beaderman, clicking his fingers in that famous Beaderman trademark manner. “But think of the current as simply a bicycle chain, with the electrons as bits of bicycle chain.” Alex stared hard at the drawing in silence. A minute past. Then another. Beaderman was starting to get worried. But just then:
“WHIPPIDTY WHIZ BANGS, BEADERMAN! I UNDERSTAND IT!” bellowed Alex, unable to contain his joy. He jumped into the air and started clapping his hands. “YOU’VE MADE SCIENCE COOL! THIS IS FRICKIN’ WICKED AWESOME!” Alex sat down, a huge grin on his face. “Now I can pass my test and be a science doctor like I always wanted.” Beaderman’s brow furrowed.
“Let me tell you something,” he said in a low voice. “I, like you always wanted to be a science doctor to help people. But when I went to doctoring school, I accidentally tripped and burned someone’s head away with acid. Instead of helping people, I hurted them. Instead of bringing people back to life, I killed them. I was a failure.” Alex listened with a determined look on his face.
“That is why I must pass my exams,” he said, seriously. “I will do it for you Beaderman, because you helped me, I can help others!” Then he gasped. “Look at the time! We had so much fun revising that we were up all night! The exam is in half an hour!”
“Run Alex!” screamed Beaderman. “Run for glory!”
“I can do it!” yelled Alex, heading for the door. “I can save my future.”

***

And so it was that Alex Grundlethrope-Jagdeep Hardy passed his exams and rose to the most respected level in the medial career-A Mega Doctor. And all because of the time and kindness of an old Mr Beaderman.
When you see him, say ‘hi’ from me.

Aubergine-Head · is your father (NOOOOO) Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 361

Just seeing A Beaderman Story had me in fits of laughter.

Science is going to be difficult to do with a straight face now. Thanks a lot Tommy. GOSH! [/injoke]

I like the second HIDDEN detail in the story. Wink

_________________

Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

Poopsoda16 · Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 12:59 am Post subject:

I missed the review the previous ones thing. Eleanor's comic was very different, its like that one guy can't decide what color shirt to wear.
_________________
Hi, I'm pacman and I'm covered in poop!

A recent study shows that 92% of all teenagers have moved on to rap music. Put this in your sig if you are one of the 8% who stayed with real music.

Aubergine-Head · is your father (NOOOOO) Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 361

It's a little thing called "STYLE!".

You can't be seen in the same thing twice. That'd just be wrong.
_________________

Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

Damian · Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 12:05 pm Post subject:

Eleanor?
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when the world is sick, can't no one be well? but i dreamt we was all beautiful and strong
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Aubergine-Head · is your father (NOOOOO) Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 361

DAMN YOU POOPSODA!!
_________________

Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

Poopsoda16 · Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 2:37 pm Post subject:

Oh come on, you practically gave your name away when you showed your "Most Medical Issues" photo. Anyway, I want a new story, im im writers block right now.
_________________
Hi, I'm pacman and I'm covered in poop!

A recent study shows that 92% of all teenagers have moved on to rap music. Put this in your sig if you are one of the 8% who stayed with real music.

Aubergine-Head · is your father (NOOOOO) Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 361

Not that anyone read it as proved by Damian's post.

GOSH!
_________________

Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

Izzhov · Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:01 pm Post subject:

The Not-Necessarily-Newbury-Award-Winning Story
by Izzhov

One day little Timmy was walking down the street, when something suddenly pulled him into the bushes! He felt the world fading away...

THE END
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Damian · Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject:

Needs moar sequel plz.
_________________
when the world is sick, can't no one be well? but i dreamt we was all beautiful and strong
-
listen to my music!
-
facebook | twitter | last.fm | youtube

Izzhov · Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:20 pm Post subject:

Damian · Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject:

*sniff* That was beautiful. :'D
_________________
when the world is sick, can't no one be well? but i dreamt we was all beautiful and strong
-
listen to my music!
-
facebook | twitter | last.fm | youtube

Poopsoda16 · Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 10:08 pm Post subject:

You still need to review mine, Damian.
_________________
Hi, I'm pacman and I'm covered in poop!

A recent study shows that 92% of all teenagers have moved on to rap music. Put this in your sig if you are one of the 8% who stayed with real music.

Blank · Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:59 am Post subject:

My story:

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LynkStar: Sir, you appear to be severely disabled. I suggest surgery and/or evolution.

LynkStar · Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:10 pm Post subject:

Where was that written?
_________________
:3

Blank · Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:44 pm Post subject:

Dwarf Fortress.

After I gouged out the guy's eyes, broke his left elbow, right wrist, right hip, and choked him out, I finished him off by throwing groundhog meat and salmon at him from a bin in the same room.

Notice how the meat breaks his fingers. I find that to be the funniest part of the story.
_________________
LynkStar: Sir, you appear to be severely disabled. I suggest surgery and/or evolution.

Izzhov · Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:44 pm Post subject:

Yay bandwagon!

Story:
>WAIT
Time passes...

The scooter glides into the station's docking port. The retro-thrusters
bring the scooter to a halt. As the docking port fills with air the
scooter's hatch opens.

>LOOK
Scooter, in the pilot's couch
You are in the cramped one-man space scooter. Through the viewport, you
see the docking port of Space Station BG-12. The scooter's hatch is open.
You can see a toolbox here.

>OPEN THE TOOLBOX
You can't reach it from the pilot's couch.

>STAND UP
You are standing again.

>OPEN THE TOOLBOX
It's locked.

>LEAVE THE SCOOTER
Docking Port
This is the huge docking port of the space station. Only one ship is
here at the moment, a one-man scooter, so the docking port seems
unusually empty. A tube leads down toward the heart of the station,

>DOWN
Main Hallway, Sector M
This is the station's main corridor, which continues to port and starboard.
A tube leads up toward the docking port.

>STARBOARD
Main Hallway, Sector N
This is the station's main corridor, which continues to port and starboard.
A room lies to fore, and a tube leads down to the next level of the station.
Lying at the base of the wall is a key.

>TAKE THE KEY
Taken.

>EXAMINE IT
The key looks like one of those new all-purpose keys that molds itself
to any lock. A typical example of Garfoogian ingenuity.

>FORE
Sick Bay
Like the rest of the station, the medical facility is deserted. This is
odd, for regulations require that the sick bay be staffed around the
clock, ten chrons a day! The only exit is aft.
At the far end of the room, inside a steel cage, is a Thoosian
Fussbudget, apparently asleep.

>WAKE THE FUSSBUDGET
It jumps to its feet, all twelve of them. "Hey, what's going on? Who are
you? Lemme outta here!"

>OPEN THE CAGE
The cage is locked.
"Open the cage!" begs the Fussbudget, clawing at the bars. "I'm
claustrophobic! I'll starve to death! I wanna go jogging!"

>UNLOCK THE CAGE WITH THE KEY
This seems to be one of those new sophisticated all-purpose-key-proof
locks.
"Break the bars! Get an acetylene torch! Find a teleporter! I've got an
appointment with my lawyer in five minutes! I'm allergic to cages!" The
Fussbudget begins sneezing wildly.

>AFT.PORT.UP.ENTER THE SCOOTER.UNLOCK THE TOOLBOX WITH THE KEY
Main Hallway, Sector N
Main Hallway, Sector M
Docking Port
You are beginning to get hungry.
Scooter
You can see a toolbox here.
The toolbox is now unlocked.

>OPEN THE TOOLBOX
Opening the toolbox reveals an identity bracelet, a hacksaw,
and a tube of nutrient paste.

>TAKE ALL FROM THE TOLBOX
[I don't know the word "tolbox."]

>OOPS TOOLBOX
identity bracelet: Taken.
hacksaw: Taken.
tube of nutrient paste: You're carrying too much weight already.

>INVENTORY
You are carrying a hacksaw, an identity bracelet, a key, and a box of
radioactive isotopes. You are wearing a Patrol uniform.

>DROP ALL BUT THE HACKSAW AND THE BRACELET THEN TAKE THE TUBE
key: Dropped.
box of radioactive isotopes: Dropped.
Patrol uniform: You'll have to remove it first.
Taken.
You are now quite hungry.

>EAT THE PASTE
Mmmm...one of your favorites...anchovies and peanut butter.
You empty the entire tube, and your hunger dissipates.

>OUT.DOWN.STARBOARD.FORE
Docking Port
Main Hallway, Sector M
Main Hallway, Sector N
Sick Bay
"It's about time you got back. You think it's fun being locked in a
cage? What if there was a fire?"

>CUT THE BARS WITH THE HACKSAW
You cut through one of the bars. The Fussbudget sticks its head through
the gap. "Come on, cut some more! I'm almost out...do you think these edges
where you cut the bars are sharp?"

>AGAIN
You cut a second bar. The Fussbudget squeezes through and leaps to the floor.
"Thanks, bud. By the way, I'm a Fussbudget." It hops across the room and pokes
four or five eye stalks cautiously through the doorway. "Where is everyone?
Hey, that looks like a tube of nutrient paste you've got there."

>GIVE THE TUBE TO THE FUSSBUDGET
The Fussbudget grabs the tube, wildly squeezes it with all six hands,
and then throws it to the deck. "Empty! If I don't eat something soon
I'll get sick."

>AFT
Main Hallway, Sector N
The Fussbudget gangles after you.

>PORT
Main Hallway, Sector M
The Fussbudget gangles after you.

>PORT
Main Hallway, Sector L
This is the station's main corridor, which continues to port and starboard.
Rooms lie fore and aft.
The Fussbudget gangles after you. It suddenly notices your identity bracelet.
"Hey, a bracelet. If you gimme it, I can get us lotsa food, whaddya say,
huh?"

>GIVE BRACELET TO FUSSBUDGET
The Fussbudget grabs the bracelet and dashes forward.

>FORE
You bounce off the invisible security barrier.
Within the room, you can see the Fussbudget, wearing the bracelet, greedily
devouring a whole crate of Mondoweed fruits.

>FUSSBUDGET, GIVE ME THE BRACELET
Without looking up or pausing for a second, the Fussbudget tosses you the
bracelet.

>PUT ON THE BRACELET
You are now wearing the bracelet.

>FORE
Store Room
This is a small storage room of some sort...A hallway lies aft.
You can see an adapter plug here.

The Fussbudget is just shoving the last few fruits into its huge mouth.
"All the food is gone," it says with its mouth full. "Where am I gonna
sleep tonight?"

>AFT.AFT
Main Hallway, Sector L
The Fussbudget gangles after you.

Director's Office
This is the office of the station manager. It is simply furnished, with
a file cabinet and a desk. There's an electrical outlet on one wall.
Sitting on the desk is a portable computer and a slip of paper.
The Fussbudget gangles after you.

>READ
[what do you want to read?]

>SLIP OF PAPER
[taking the slip of paper first]
'Buy milk. Dentist at 3300. New password is 133."

>TURN ON THE PORTABLE COMPUTER
Nothing happens.
The Fussbudget shivers. "Does it seem chilly in here? I hate drafty
places." A look of concern crosses its face. "Do you think the
heating units have failed?"

>EXAMINE THE COMPUTER
The portable computer has a screen, a keyboard, and a power cord.
The screen is blank.
The Fussbudget says, "See ya later, bub. I'm gonna go catch some winks."
It gangles out.

>PLUG THE POWER CORD INTO THE ELECTRICAL OUTLET
The cord ends in a nine-prong plug, but the outlet will only accept
five-prong plugs.

>FORE.FORE
Main Hallway, Sector L
Store Room
The Fussbudget is snoring loudly in the corner.
You can see an adapter plug here.

>TAKE
[the adapter plug]
Taken.

>EXAMINE IT
The adapter seems designed to fit nine-prong plugs into five-prong outlets.

>AFT.AFT.PLUG THE ADAPTER INTO THE SOCKET.PLUG THE CORD INTO THE ADAPTER.
Main Hallway, Sector L
Director's Office
Sitting on the desk is a portable computer.
Done.
Done.

>TURN ON THE COMPUTER
The computer beeps and the screen lights up, saying, "Please type password."

>TYPE "133"
The screen says "Password accepted. Type 7 for memo file. Type 11 for
correspondence file."

>TYPE 7
The last page of the memo pad appears on the screen:
"22-Bozbar. All personnel have teleported down to the planet. I will be
joining them in a chron or so, but I wanted to say goodbye to this old
station; it's too bad we couldn't stop that reactor build-up. By the
way, the latest reading for Critical is 6900."

>TIME
Adjusted Galactic Standard Time is exactly 6897.

>FORE
Main Hallway, Sector L
Suddenly, a giant fireball engulfs the entire station.

*** You have died ***
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Blank · Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:47 pm Post subject:

Interactive fiction is boring.

My favorite line: "It gangles out."
_________________
LynkStar: Sir, you appear to be severely disabled. I suggest surgery and/or evolution.

The Midnight Thunderboy · Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:53 pm Post subject: