Fruitcake MIDI Forum Treasury

[Izzhov]

Once upon a time I bet I have better hair than you, 00tinytim00. And if not, it's certainly better than Tommy's. It's no match for Wormy, though... And then Sir Gavrilo Princip slayed the evil dragon of Austria and started the Not-Pointless War of Love and Peace.

THE END
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BRAND NEW FCMidi Forums!

[Tommy]

[Izzhov]

But... what about the Balck Org?
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BRAND NEW FCMidi Forums!

[The_Worminator]

Well, this seems a good place to put this. Today's lecture on the European Union was utterly brilliant because half of the class were paying no attention whatosever and instead we spent most of the lecture passing round a Cheddar Gorge-style one-word-at-a-time story. The results of which are as follows:

One fish walked in a room shyly and squealed. It pooed violently and buttocks flailed everywhere. Then Pascal [our lecturer] said something about you pesky meddling kids and he ate brie & ratatouille with a side order of the fish and some chips, with le pouding de Yorksher.
Then the llama snorted rainbow sherbert and Jenkins humped Des Lynam's hot, moist neck which morphed into two parts because of Jerome and his Frenchness. After that, a mouse spunked onto Pascal's shiny penis-shaped penis. He was horny so he proudly got it out and waved it at Andy [me] who obtained a semi converted Facist called Ian the Banana but he was unable to get a semi too, but got instead a hard on the size of Big Ben, even though he knew not who Ben was.
Meanwhile Steve [ageing patronising bumbag-sporting 'mature student' tit] the window cleaner was a moany old git who may drop dead before he finishes his degree. And now, there's a bright light! He's walking into the light! But wait, there's been a mistake - "Hello Hitler, hello Mussolini. Vernon Kay? Wow I really am as bad as you at being a human being."

To be fair, towards the end the one word rule lapsed somewhat.
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[quote="Tommy"]Tinytim got it.
At a guess he probably stopped playing it after 5 minutes.
He said he liked to look at the instruction book as it has a man having an erection inside it.[/quote]

[chzrm3]

[Izzhov]

Here's one about chzrm3:

One brisk summer day, chzrm3 was going for a walk (it doesn't matter where), when suddenly a hooded deviant approached him.

"What do you want from me, hooded deviant?" chzrm3 growled laboriously. (He had been walking for quite awhile now.)

"You have been formally invited by our clan to take part in the Competition Regarding Competitive Events," the hooded deviant said suspiciously. "It will take place exactly 6 days and 7 minutes from now. Here." The hooded deviant proceeded to hand chzrm3 a comically oversized placard with the words "Formal Card for Matters Involving Dumb Individuals" engraved on it. "Use this to get into the competition. As the hooded deviant strutted gaily away, he gave chzrm3 one last backwards look, and said, "Be there, or BE SQUARE."

As chzrm3 mulled over this startling new happening and its implications, he lost track of where he was walking, and, by sheer coincidence (OR WAS IT?), he arrived at the area of the Competition exactly on time. As by that point he had accidentally stapled his Formal Card for Matters Involving Dumb Individuals to his forehead, he was immediately allowed in.

"Wow, this place is sooo big ^%$*&RYG!" chzrm3 shouted carelessly. This caused a section of the building to collapse and maim and kill several of the contestants.

"Congratulations, chzrm3 you just passed Round 1!" shouted the MC, who was immediately killed by another collapsing section of the building. Then a short, plump man with deep-set eyes, who looked as though he had gone through the most dangerous of places and lived, and had seen many of his closest comrades die and not care, walked leisurely up to chzrm3 and whispered into his ear, "Stop shouting now. We're starting Round 2."

"Okey dokey artichokey TY$eL$$%@#!" exclaimed chzrm3 blissfully, causing a section of the building to collapse and kill the short man.

"Round 2, the final round, consists of a battle to the death amongst each of the remaining contestants. Ready, GO!"

Everyone fought and chzrm3 lost.

"You did come here to lose!" hollered the man who had killed him, who was immediately killed by a falling section of the building.

THE END
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BRAND NEW FCMidi Forums!

[chzrm3]

[Tommy]

Me and Izzhov decided that chrzm3 was a good character and underused in fiction. So here is my offering:

The chrzm3 story.

chrzm3 was sat backstage in his shiny blue suit. “HJ@!&$!”. He said softly, wringing his hands. Suddenly Wilson entered. chrzm3 stood up and coughed.
“Are you okay?” Wilson asked.
chrzm3 smiled broadly. “Fit as a F&%£!” he replied.
“Good, because a lot is resting on this.” Wilson said wryly.
“Hey, since when have I let you down before?” frowned chrzm3.
There was a moment of silence. Suddenly the phone rang.
“!$£HUIO<*F&$%~AGUG£!” exclaimed chrzm3. He picked up “Oh, hey bro.”
“There isn’t time for this.” Interjected Wilson.
chrzm3 held the phone away from his face. “Family always come first. You remember my motto?”
“What?”
“My motto, I said-Family always…”
“Yeah, okay.” Snapped Wilson impatiently. “You’re on in two.”
chrzm3 rolled his eyes and spoke into the phone. “Yeah…well where are you? Have you tried using the seed? What? From the beach hut. On the very left. Okay. Yeah, you’ll love it, no joke. No, even better! Okay. See you.”
chrzm3 replaced the pone and Wilson shook his head. “What’s this? Videogame quest man?” he sighed.
“Yeah.” Replied chrzm3. There was no point in trying to explain. He would never understand. Suddenly a buzzer sounded. chrzm3 stood up and felt sick.
“Well look at that.” Grinned Wilson. “You’re on early. Don’t mess up!”
chrzm3 walked to the edge of the stage and turned to Wilson.
“I’m Mister November.” He stated simply.
Then chrzm3 walked in front of the curtain.
The crowd roared.

Now for something a little different.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Sniffle Snuffle
The Cahlid Animal is Sniffling and Snuffling through the forest.
Searching amongst the rich brown leaves.
He is hunting for Acorn Truffles.

Shiffle Shuffle.
Tim is Shiffling and Shuffling through the forest.
Wading through the sunny yellow leaves.
He is hunting for Autumn Bugs.

Rustle Rustle.
The Cahlid Animal is digging through the bright red leaves.
Digging and looking with his mighty Hantlers.

Swish Swish.
Tim is sweeping through the fresh air.
Sweeping and swashing with his mighty net.

The Cahlid Animal stops.
He twitches his ears.
He has heard something!

Tim stops.
He stares into the forest.
He has seen something!

The Cahlid Animal has heard Tim!
Tim has seen The Cahlid Animal!

Tim runs towards The Cahlid Animal.
As fast as he can.

The Cahlid Animal stays where he is.
As still as he can.

“Hello The Cahlid Animal!” Tim shouts.
He is excited!

The Cahlid Animal snorts.
He is worried.

Suddenly Tim trips over in the fiery orange leaves.

Suddenly The Cahlid Animal turns and gallops off into the forest.

Tim gets up from the leaves. He cannot see The Cahlid Animal anymore.
“Where are you The Cahlid Animal?” cries Tim. He is quite upset.
He runs off into the forest. “Come back The Cahlid Animal!” he calls.

But where is The Cahlid Animal?
The Cahlid Animal is hiding in a tree.
Silly Cahlid Animal.
Tim only wanted to be friends!



Here is a very rough picture of The Cahlid Animal (just so you can see what Hantlers are.)



Coming later maybe: Izzhov Searches For Acceptance. Originally it was co-starring Upsilon but then I was accused for having an obsession with him so maybe I'll change his part for Damian.
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Young men, you're getting detention for being without shorts
I know who's actually to blame, but we need those guys for sports.

[Aubergine-Head]

No no no! You forgot the Poopsoda story we discussed! You've ruined everything.
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Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

[Tommy]

You didn't like The Cahlid Animal?

I thought yoose were going to write that story anyway. I have great faith in you.
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Young men, you're getting detention for being without shorts
I know who's actually to blame, but we need those guys for sports.

[Aubergine-Head]

I did like the Cahlid Animal!

I'm an awful writer. Surely you've discovered that by now.
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Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

[Tommy]

[Aubergine-Head]

OMG! Did he die?! ... Can I have his room, money and laptop then?
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Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

[00tinytim00]

HOW BEADMAN GOT HIS VIDEOGAME GROOVE
Chapter 1: Beadman the Preacher

Thunder exploded over the horizon. Rain lashed relentlessly at the windows of Classroom S04. Thirty depressed children were sat in their chairs, watching the bald-headed man at the front of the classroom. His head was like a hydrogen balloon, stretched, shiny and prone to explosion. His name was Beadman and the lesson was PSHE.

PSHE was a lesson the children had long ago deemed to be baldershite. An hour a week, wasted on teachers self-righteously yelling at kids for thinking of touching alcohol, tobacco, or heroin. An hour that could be better spent on practical rather than theory lessons. Grendel Jonas Beadman, head of Physics, always took the lesson to his heart. Veins bulged on his head like a tic-tac-toe grid as he lamented the culture of the pig-headed youths in front of him. An hour a week, every week.

This lesson would prove to be a little different, however.

"Good morning, class," said Beadman, his voice nearly drowned out by the wail of the wind and rain. "I read an article in the Mail yesterday about videogames. I am frankly appalled at the level of videogame violence. This lesson I will set you straight. You will be a better person after today."

He picked up the first game on the pile next to him. Tetris World. "Good videogames!" He placed it on his desk with a loving tenderness.

Beadman picked up the next game. Super Smash Brothers Melee. "VIOLENT-A videogames!" He dropped it in the bin with a glare and a tut.

He continued through the pile. Super Sphere Racing. "Good videogames!" Desk.

Halo 3. "VIOLENT-A videogames!" Bin.

Beetle Run. "Good videogames!" Desk.

Frogger "VIOLENT-A videogames!" B-

"STOP!"

The voice sliced through the clouds outside, which parted to reveal a stream of sunlight. A rainbow leapt through playfully, landing at Beadman's feet. Beadman squinted. Someone was surfing down the rainbow. He was wearing a dinner suit and bowler hat, and seemed to be holding a remote in each hand. One of those new-fangled Wii things, Beadman surmised, before chuckling at the name "Wii." However, he smile was wiped off his face when the mystery man smashed through the window, glass arcing through the air like glittering confetti. He somersaulted through the air, shouting "Wahoo ooo!", and landed artfully at Beadman's exquisitely polished shoes.

"And just who are you?!" Beadman spluttered like a broken chainsaw.

"I am the Angel of Videogames," said the man. "I'm here to talk to you.

"You see, videogames aren't all bad, not even the violent ones. Indeed, scientific evidence has proven that there is little if any correlation between playing violent videogames and real-life violence. There's no correlation between events in video-games and their real-life counterparts, in fact! Why, you play Tetris, do you not? And yet you don't run out to build a house out of tetrominos! You play Super Sphere Racing, yet you've never rolled a sphere down the streets of your neighbourhood! You play Beetle Run, yet you never run to your garden and arrange poaths through the blades of grass to guide a real ladybird to its abode!"

"Actually, wrong on all three counts, I don't mind admitting," cut in Beadman. "And who are you to smash my window? That'll cost you a tenner."

"Have twenty!" said the Angel jovially. He snapped his fingers, and a crisp £20 note materialised in Beadman's hands. "But that's not important," he plunged on. "I'm going to change your view of videogames for the better. You'll learn to accept them. Take my hand, and together we shall leap into ADVENTURE."

Beadman gingerly touched his hand, and was whisked into the air. The Angel, gripping a screaming Beadman, flew through the door and up into the stratosphere. The children rushed through the window just in time to spot a speck in the sunny sky, which became a pinpoint of light, which became a supernova of wonderful colours and noises. It disappeared as quickly as it had arrived, and Beadman and the Angel could be seen no more.

To be continued...?

[Izzhov]

[Tommy]

Good stuff.
And also, Sphere Racer is real.
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Young men, you're getting detention for being without shorts
I know who's actually to blame, but we need those guys for sports.

[Aubergine-Head]

[Izzhov]

Actually, Auby, "??" is grammatically incorrect. The accepted response to that would be "????".

I get to point that out because I'm an evil grammar Nazi whore.

[Aubergine-Head]

So you admit it then!
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Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

[Izzhov]

[Aubergine-Head]

Well then, looks like we have a Nazi on our hands.
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Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy

[JK9000]

GEDDIT OFF GEDDIT OFF

[Aubergine-Head]

All you need is Anti-Nazi spray. Sold at all good retailers. *Cheesy thumbs up*
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Celeb quote of the month:
"I even wear a suit for improvisation workshops, rolling around. Well, acting's a white-collar job, you know? You wear a suit." -Bill Nighy